Monday, 10 April 2017
I thought now would be a great time to do this post, as tomorrow, should have been the date we celebrated our first babies birthday. Tomorrow he or she, should have been turning six years old. He or she should have been waking up in the morning, opening presents, blowing out candles, looking forward to a party with his/her sisters, friends, family.. everyone who loves him/her... instead, our angel is celebrating in heaven, with his great uncle Lala, his great grandparents, and every other family member we have loved and lost, I know, our angel is safe, in all their arms.
So I thought, with it being the date we should have celebrated tomorrow, I should write about my Miscarriage Story, shouldn't I?
I have no problems talking about my miscarriage, a lot of people think of miscarriage as such a taboo topic, a lot of people don't think anyone who suffers a miscarriage should grieve as, we didn't really lose a baby, did we?
Just because our babies weren't viable, just because their tiny little heartbeats couldn't be picked up on screen at an early stage miscarriage, just because we never got to meet them, just because we didn't give birth to them, just because we didn't feel them growing, kicking, living in our wombs, just because we never got to cuddle them, to kiss them, to feel them on our chests, does not mean they weren't a huge part of our lives, does not mean we don't deserve to grieve, does not mean we don't deserve to openly talk about the child or children we loved and lost, way to soon.
I have had people delete me off social media, for no other reason other than I openly discussed my angel baby often - especially on the dates I A) lost him or her and B) his or her due date.
Why can't I be given that right? This person, if they ever happen to come across my blog, know's who they are are.. And I'd like the question answered, if they do have the guts to be honest, and tell me, why I shouldn't openly talk about my loss? Why shouldn't I have that right, when they can talk openly about their living child, on their birthdays etc..? It's because this baby isn't with me anymore, that's why.
YES, I do have two very healthy children, that both came along after David and I lost our first, and I am eternally grateful for them both. Those girls have changed our lives, for the better, and have given us so much life, they've filled us with so much love, and made us appreciate life, I could never be without either of them, but just because I now do have two absoutely beautiful girls, doesn't mean I should stop thinking about, or mentioning the baby we lost. It doesn't and never will work that way, and when the girls are old enough to understand, they will be told that they have a brother, or sister, that lives in Heaven.
I am not the only one, that has ever suffered a miscarriage, and I certainly won't be the last. Miscarriage, unfortunately is so common in many women, and so many women, so many couples, suffer silently, because their afraid to speak out about how hurt they are, how sad they feel, for fear of upsetting, or annoying someone, who does seem to take offence to someone speaking about their precious angels. This is what makes me mad, many women shouldn't be made to feel that way, they should feel like they can speak about their babies anytime they want, whenever they want and where ever they want, not be forced to sit back and stay quite to please the idiots that do take offence.
David and I found out we were pregnant in August 2010 with our first baby. Both of us were a little taken aback by this news. We were excited don't get me wrong, but we were also very nervous, not because we were afraid of miscarriage, or any complications, infact, if I'm being brutally honest? Those thoughts never once crossed my mind, I mean, miscarriages, things like that.. they don't happen to you right? That sort of thing happens to other people.
Yep, that's what I thought too, I was that naive!
Anyways. Excited, nervous, a bag of nerves, trying to figure out how to tell our parents. I was positive mine were going to be angry with me. I'd practically moved out anyway, and was living with David, but I was only 19 at the time, and still their baby girl .. plus the fact, David and I even though we had known each other for years , we had only been in a relationship for 8 months.
But.. we told them, and they were excited for us. My parents rushed out, putting a deposit down on a pram, we were picking out names, we were just taking everything in, and looking forward to the future. We were all happy, this was the happiest I'd felt in a long time, it was just the news our family needed.
Then.. two weeks later, I started to bleed.
It was a weekend. I panicked. Maternity wasn't open, so we went to A&E.. they said there wasn't anything they could do but refer me to EPU on the Monday Morning - this was Friday night.. It was the longest weekend of my life, it dragged in, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Every minute felt like an hour, and I barely slept from worry either.
Finally, Monday arrived, and we went to EPU.. and I got an early scan.. And there on the screen was our tiny little bubba. He was literally just a wee dot inside the sac, but he was there, and the midwife reassured me that he was fine, the sac was very high up, and all seemed to be great.. It was just a random bleed, she assured me that many women had them during early pregnancy, but everything was fine. She booked me in to go back two weeks later for an internal scan, just to keep check, but still assured me, my baby was fine.
I left that day and breathed the biggest sigh of relief ever. Things like that really did only happen to other people. My baby is fine, I'm fine. We're going to be fine.
I carried on through the week, still bleeding, but lightly, so I rested as much as I could, but still carried on with normal tasks in between.. Then one day while David and I were out for a walk, I just felt something. I grabbed hold off a nearby fence, and pretty much crippled over, I took a shooting pain through my stomach, and had to sit on the ground.. then something came over me, and then I felt it, and I knew, right then and there, that I'd just lost our baby. I just looked at David, trying to stop myself from crying, trying to stop myself from feeling embarrassment as people walked by, wondering why I was lying on the ground clinging to a fence, in a heap, looking at me like I was some drunk.. and I just begged him to take me home. We were only round the corner from his house, but I swear it felt like we were walking forever. That was the 23rd August 2010. And I knew that day, our baby was gone.
On the 7th September, I was brought in for an internal scan. By this stage, I was still bleeding, and still cramping really bad. I had drank my body weight in water that I was literally bulging by the time I was in the waiting room, I thought I was going to pee all over the waiting room floor.. I think I drank so much water, in the hope, a full bladder, a clearer view, still holding onto that little bit of hope, that yes, they're going to see my baby, they're going to pick him or her up on scan.. even though deep down, I knew that wasn't going to happen.. And I was right. The midwife searched, and searched, for what felt like hours, before she finally turned and told us the news, we knew was coming - i'm sorry - you've lost your baby
We were expecting it, it still didn't make it feel any easier though. I remember going back into the en suite to get dressed again, and just breaking down on the floor. Knowing I had to walk back out that door, and face David, then face my mum and dad sat waiting in the waiting room, knowing that my body had failed to keep hold of his first child and their first grandchild. I remember feeling numb, and wanting to throw up all at the same time.
I didn't know how to feel to be honest, but all I know is, it hurt, like hell, and so far, it has been the worst sort of heartache I have ever had to go through. No parent ever imagines they will outlive their child. I certainly didn't and I certainly didn't think I'd ever not get to meet or hold my child first - bearing in mind, I didn't have Lacey-Beth or Lexie-Anna at the time.
For a few weeks my moods were up and down. I always had bad moodswings, and was lashing out a lot, especially at David. I even accused him of not caring. Heck, some of the stuff I said to him, I honestly don't know why he stuck around, because I was a nasty cow to him, he didn't deserve to be spoke to that way.. But, after a talk with him, I quickly realised, he was hurting, just as much as I was, he was just putting his feelings to one side, to spare mine, to be the strong one in the relationship, so that I could miss our child. He was keeping his hurt into himself.. and so we starting leaning on each other, and became each others rocks, and with the help of my mum and dad, we pulled each other through it.
It's now been six years - and yes, we do have our rainbow baby, Lacey-Beth, and our little ray of sunshine Lexie-Anna. And we are much happier now, happier than we've ever been. And yes, we still think about, and talk about our little angel, but talking about those memories, no longer leaves us feeling sad, we only think of the happy times, when we were excited, when we did hold onto hope, when we did believe all was fine, but we also hold onto the fact, that five months after our miscarriage, we found out we were expecting Lacey-Beth.. and we believe, our angel sent her to us, because he/she believed, we need her, as much as she needs us, and that she would be the one to save us.. because that's exactly what she's done.
And now, on our angels due date - the 11th April, 2018, David and I plan to say I Do - our reasons for choosing this date? Because we are going to have our two girls with us that day, and we are involving them in as much as we can, but, we want our angel involved too!
So what better way, than to have our wedding on what should have been the date he/she was due, and having a special balloon release? That's exactly what we plan on, and I know, with our angel watching over us, the day is going to be simply perfect!
Happy Birthday Our Little Munchkin!
Mummy and Daddy will always love you.
Forever Young our precious one!