Monday, 10 April 2017
I thought now would be a great time to do this post, as tomorrow, should have been the date we celebrated our first babies birthday. Tomorrow he or she, should have been turning six years old. He or she should have been waking up in the morning, opening presents, blowing out candles, looking forward to a party with his/her sisters, friends, family.. everyone who loves him/her... instead, our angel is celebrating in heaven, with his great uncle Lala, his great grandparents, and every other family member we have loved and lost, I know, our angel is safe, in all their arms.
So I thought, with it being the date we should have celebrated tomorrow, I should write about my Miscarriage Story, shouldn't I?
I have no problems talking about my miscarriage, a lot of people think of miscarriage as such a taboo topic, a lot of people don't think anyone who suffers a miscarriage should grieve as, we didn't really lose a baby, did we?
Just because our babies weren't viable, just because their tiny little heartbeats couldn't be picked up on screen at an early stage miscarriage, just because we never got to meet them, just because we didn't give birth to them, just because we didn't feel them growing, kicking, living in our wombs, just because we never got to cuddle them, to kiss them, to feel them on our chests, does not mean they weren't a huge part of our lives, does not mean we don't deserve to grieve, does not mean we don't deserve to openly talk about the child or children we loved and lost, way to soon.
I have had people delete me off social media, for no other reason other than I openly discussed my angel baby often - especially on the dates I A) lost him or her and B) his or her due date.
Why can't I be given that right? This person, if they ever happen to come across my blog, know's who they are are.. And I'd like the question answered, if they do have the guts to be honest, and tell me, why I shouldn't openly talk about my loss? Why shouldn't I have that right, when they can talk openly about their living child, on their birthdays etc..? It's because this baby isn't with me anymore, that's why.
YES, I do have two very healthy children, that both came along after David and I lost our first, and I am eternally grateful for them both. Those girls have changed our lives, for the better, and have given us so much life, they've filled us with so much love, and made us appreciate life, I could never be without either of them, but just because I now do have two absoutely beautiful girls, doesn't mean I should stop thinking about, or mentioning the baby we lost. It doesn't and never will work that way, and when the girls are old enough to understand, they will be told that they have a brother, or sister, that lives in Heaven.
I am not the only one, that has ever suffered a miscarriage, and I certainly won't be the last. Miscarriage, unfortunately is so common in many women, and so many women, so many couples, suffer silently, because their afraid to speak out about how hurt they are, how sad they feel, for fear of upsetting, or annoying someone, who does seem to take offence to someone speaking about their precious angels. This is what makes me mad, many women shouldn't be made to feel that way, they should feel like they can speak about their babies anytime they want, whenever they want and where ever they want, not be forced to sit back and stay quite to please the idiots that do take offence.
David and I found out we were pregnant in August 2010 with our first baby. Both of us were a little taken aback by this news. We were excited don't get me wrong, but we were also very nervous, not because we were afraid of miscarriage, or any complications, infact, if I'm being brutally honest? Those thoughts never once crossed my mind, I mean, miscarriages, things like that.. they don't happen to you right? That sort of thing happens to other people.
Yep, that's what I thought too, I was that naive!
Anyways. Excited, nervous, a bag of nerves, trying to figure out how to tell our parents. I was positive mine were going to be angry with me. I'd practically moved out anyway, and was living with David, but I was only 19 at the time, and still their baby girl .. plus the fact, David and I even though we had known each other for years , we had only been in a relationship for 8 months.
But.. we told them, and they were excited for us. My parents rushed out, putting a deposit down on a pram, we were picking out names, we were just taking everything in, and looking forward to the future. We were all happy, this was the happiest I'd felt in a long time, it was just the news our family needed.
Then.. two weeks later, I started to bleed.
It was a weekend. I panicked. Maternity wasn't open, so we went to A&E.. they said there wasn't anything they could do but refer me to EPU on the Monday Morning - this was Friday night.. It was the longest weekend of my life, it dragged in, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Every minute felt like an hour, and I barely slept from worry either.
Finally, Monday arrived, and we went to EPU.. and I got an early scan.. And there on the screen was our tiny little bubba. He was literally just a wee dot inside the sac, but he was there, and the midwife reassured me that he was fine, the sac was very high up, and all seemed to be great.. It was just a random bleed, she assured me that many women had them during early pregnancy, but everything was fine. She booked me in to go back two weeks later for an internal scan, just to keep check, but still assured me, my baby was fine.
I left that day and breathed the biggest sigh of relief ever. Things like that really did only happen to other people. My baby is fine, I'm fine. We're going to be fine.
I carried on through the week, still bleeding, but lightly, so I rested as much as I could, but still carried on with normal tasks in between.. Then one day while David and I were out for a walk, I just felt something. I grabbed hold off a nearby fence, and pretty much crippled over, I took a shooting pain through my stomach, and had to sit on the ground.. then something came over me, and then I felt it, and I knew, right then and there, that I'd just lost our baby. I just looked at David, trying to stop myself from crying, trying to stop myself from feeling embarrassment as people walked by, wondering why I was lying on the ground clinging to a fence, in a heap, looking at me like I was some drunk.. and I just begged him to take me home. We were only round the corner from his house, but I swear it felt like we were walking forever. That was the 23rd August 2010. And I knew that day, our baby was gone.
On the 7th September, I was brought in for an internal scan. By this stage, I was still bleeding, and still cramping really bad. I had drank my body weight in water that I was literally bulging by the time I was in the waiting room, I thought I was going to pee all over the waiting room floor.. I think I drank so much water, in the hope, a full bladder, a clearer view, still holding onto that little bit of hope, that yes, they're going to see my baby, they're going to pick him or her up on scan.. even though deep down, I knew that wasn't going to happen.. And I was right. The midwife searched, and searched, for what felt like hours, before she finally turned and told us the news, we knew was coming - i'm sorry - you've lost your baby
We were expecting it, it still didn't make it feel any easier though. I remember going back into the en suite to get dressed again, and just breaking down on the floor. Knowing I had to walk back out that door, and face David, then face my mum and dad sat waiting in the waiting room, knowing that my body had failed to keep hold of his first child and their first grandchild. I remember feeling numb, and wanting to throw up all at the same time.
I didn't know how to feel to be honest, but all I know is, it hurt, like hell, and so far, it has been the worst sort of heartache I have ever had to go through. No parent ever imagines they will outlive their child. I certainly didn't and I certainly didn't think I'd ever not get to meet or hold my child first - bearing in mind, I didn't have Lacey-Beth or Lexie-Anna at the time.
For a few weeks my moods were up and down. I always had bad moodswings, and was lashing out a lot, especially at David. I even accused him of not caring. Heck, some of the stuff I said to him, I honestly don't know why he stuck around, because I was a nasty cow to him, he didn't deserve to be spoke to that way.. But, after a talk with him, I quickly realised, he was hurting, just as much as I was, he was just putting his feelings to one side, to spare mine, to be the strong one in the relationship, so that I could miss our child. He was keeping his hurt into himself.. and so we starting leaning on each other, and became each others rocks, and with the help of my mum and dad, we pulled each other through it.
It's now been six years - and yes, we do have our rainbow baby, Lacey-Beth, and our little ray of sunshine Lexie-Anna. And we are much happier now, happier than we've ever been. And yes, we still think about, and talk about our little angel, but talking about those memories, no longer leaves us feeling sad, we only think of the happy times, when we were excited, when we did hold onto hope, when we did believe all was fine, but we also hold onto the fact, that five months after our miscarriage, we found out we were expecting Lacey-Beth.. and we believe, our angel sent her to us, because he/she believed, we need her, as much as she needs us, and that she would be the one to save us.. because that's exactly what she's done.
And now, on our angels due date - the 11th April, 2018, David and I plan to say I Do - our reasons for choosing this date? Because we are going to have our two girls with us that day, and we are involving them in as much as we can, but, we want our angel involved too!
So what better way, than to have our wedding on what should have been the date he/she was due, and having a special balloon release? That's exactly what we plan on, and I know, with our angel watching over us, the day is going to be simply perfect!
Happy Birthday Our Little Munchkin!
Mummy and Daddy will always love you.
Forever Young our precious one!
Friday, 31 March 2017
Ok, so it's offically the final day of March 2017, and i'm actually feeling a bit bummed out about the Me & Mine Linky for this month, simply because I've just come to the realisation that I've got taking literally NO photo's of the four of us together, at all. Especially with Mother's Day, which kinda sucks.
I have managed however, to snap photos of myself, with the girls, David with the girls, and heck even David and Myself together.. or the girls on their own, which let's face it, isn't all that hard when your a mother who loves snapping shots of their kids at every opportunity.
Lacey-Beth also achieved Star of the Week in school, and got a reward for cycling her bike to school everyday for two weeks as part of The Big Pedal scheme, the whether has been lovely, so it has allowed her to start putting her bike to use again, and we have all been enjoying the little bit of sunshine we did get there. We took a family walk along the river, spotting all the ducks and swans nesting, we love walking along there in the Spring, especially when all the baby ducklings are swimming along behind their mama's - our girls love seeing them.
Lexie-Anna is also now fully potty trained, no more nappies for us, YAY!
And we think she's definitely getting there during the night too, we still use pull ups for night, however she's been dry the last week or so - so it will definitely be a godsend if she is going to jump quickly into being trained during the night too.
I also took part in the British Heart Foundations Dechox this month - giving up chocolate for the whole month of March - my mum done it with me, and together we raised a total of £82 for British Heart Foundation - which is 82% of our target - we set out to raise £100 .. so I really don't think we done too badly.
And Lacey-Beth started her private classes in dance this month, and has been practising her solo very hard, and even encouraging her daddy to help her. She's to practice a leg lift - heel rise, I literally have no idea what it's called.. however Lacey-Beth doesn't keep her knee's straight when doing them, so she's to practice them at home, the perfect opportunity for her to get her daddy involved with her dance.
Monday, 27 March 2017
Yesterday was Mother's Day here in the UK .. and as per usual, I had a lovely day.
It really did help that the sun was shinning also, Spring is definitely in the air.
The girls (and I suppose I should give credit to their father) let me have a long lye in, yesterday morning. It was definitely long over due, and well needed. I think I slept until gone 11am, which for me, is a very long lye in, I'm usually awake at the crack of dawn. I was then woke up to breakfast in bed - bacon sandwiches with soft cheese, and I have to say, it was delicious (thank you David)
The girls then gave me, a beautiful card, that they signed themselves, and a beautiful framed quote -
- Mummy, never forget how loved you areWith the cutest little elephant on it. I love elephants, so this was a bit of a personal touch.
And the quote? Cheered me right up. It's nice, to hear it (or in this case read it) and know then just how much these two small human beings that you created, do love you, they do rely on you, and they do need you.
I always doubt myself as a mother. I never feel that I'm good enough. There's always something to doubt.
- Am I feeding them enough?
- Am I over feeding them?
- Am I showing them enough love?
- Am I not showing them enough?
- Do they love me?
- What if they hate me?
- Is Lacey-Beth doing ok in school? Is she coping ok with the learning?
- Have I tried potty training Lexie too early? Too late? Just on time?
- Did I show them enough attention today?
- Is the house clean enough for them?
The list goes on and on. It's endless. Everything becomes a worry, when you become a mother, it's only natural. Heck even before you meet them, you're already constantly worrying about them.. As mothers, we never stop doubting ourselves..
So for me personally, to see those words "never forget how loved you are"
It was the icing on top of the cake for me, knowing I am loved and I am loved by two of the most precious little girls in my life, who need me to be strong, who need me to be there, for them.
They also surprised me with some new clothes and shoes.. So it is pretty safe to say, I was a very spoiled Mummy yesterday.
We then got dressed, and went to spend a few hours with my Mum, and give her, her gifts.
We had some lunch there, and enjoyed the sun in the garden.
Then the girls, David and I, went for a walk to the ice cream shop.. enjoyed and ice cream then a trip to the park.
It was lovely spending quality time enjoying the lovely weather, and the girls had a ball.
So yeah. Mother's Day for me, was a lovely day, and I couldn't have wanted it any other way, thanks to my babies.
What did you guys get up to for Mothers Day?
We hope you had a lovely time with your families x
Friday, 24 March 2017
David and I both decided to tie the knot, on the 11th April 2018.
It was set in stone, before we were even planning on getting married, that was the date we really wanted, with no questions asked, and no doubts in our minds.
Many people know how much this date means, to not only David and I, but to us all as a family unit, and to our family circle, and knowing our families, and especially our children would be there, celebrating with us on our special day, we really wanted this date, to include our angel.
In August 2010, David and I found out we were expecting our first child. We were both excited, and couldn't wait.. That excitement didn't last too long, when just weeks later, we were being told at a scan that we had lost our baby.
Baby Angel was due to be born on the 11th April 2011. Every year on that date, we try to make it a happy day for us, and the girls.. because we don't want to look back on the very little memories we do have with sadness, when it was such a happy time in our lives.
So, we decided, that would be the most perfect date to get married on.
We knew we would have our beautiful earth babies there with us on the day we say I Do.. so this would be a perfect way to include all our children.
We have also decided, we would like to do a balloon release on the day, to send to our beautiful angel, as his or her birthday present, and would like to include each of our guests.. However, with a little twist, we're going to supply a tag and pens for each balloon, so if any guest wishes too, they can send their own little message up to their own loved ones.. but for myself, David and the girls, we will be sending our balloons up to our own little guardian angel, for his or her seventh birthday.
Do you guys have any reasons behind your wedding dates?
Thursday, 23 March 2017
Last month, I was asked to take part in a seven day menu review - FEED YOUR FAMILY GOOD FOOD FOR LESS.
which was looking into feeding your family healthier options, for as little as £10 per day, putting leftover foods to use, prepping, and using Frozen, Fresh and Ready Prepped Foods.
It also focused on using limited equipment - the only equipment I had to use throughout the week, daily was the microwave, a hob, frying pan/pot and a grill.. On one occasion a blender.
I was provided with a week's worth of shopping, a set menu, recipes, information booklets and a feedback form.
We finished this menu over the weekend, and so I thought, after filling in the feedback form, I would do a blog post about it, and how it affected our family.
Well, we made a variety of different meals, and I'm not even going to tell a lie, at first, when I looked at some of the meals I thought to myself, eugh, I wouldn't even eat that, let alone my girls.
My two girls are the most fussiest eaters I have ever came across, getting them to eat, not just healthy foods, but any food, can be a challenge in itself, and I knew this was going to be a challenge.. Heck, it's not just them, how can I expect them to be anything but fussy, when their Dad has a freak out of Broccoli?
I wasn't giving up, as much as I dreaded trying some of these meals, our family needed change during mealtimes, and this was the way to go about it.
The first meal we tried was quick and simple - Grilled chicken, with rice and frozen vegetables.
This was quite simple really, everyone enjoyed it. My girls love chicken and rice, and with this meal I'd included mixed vegetables, so there was pea's and carrots, both their favourites.
The meal was very filling, and only took minutes to make, which was very handy.. Quick, Filling and Healthy? Exactly what we were looking for.
The menu didn't just include meal ideas, it also provided snack ideas.
Some snacks were fresh fruit, tinned fruits, greek yogurt, bagels with peanut butter.
Now, I am a huge lover of Bagels, however the girls and David have never ate them, they refused to try them before last week, and I made them try them.
The girls at first were a bit - "no mummy, I can't eat that" - you know the usual, acting as if they would die a slow death if they even so much as tried the tiniest little bit.
However, I managed to get them both to try some, and to my surprise, they both enjoyed it, and cleared their plates.
Another snack idea we had was crackers and cheese, with grapes, apples and a milky drink.. Now usually, for supper before bed, my girls would have sandwiches and a bag of crisps, or a bar of chocolate or a munch bunch yogurt - not very healthy, I know, and it's my own fault, for giving into their fussy ways, if I persisted, I could have gotten healthier options into them - what do they say? anything for an easier life? - well yes, that was it to be honest. I didn't want to listen to their whining and moaning over their bedtime snack, so I gave them what they wanted.. which then didn't lead to a very easy life come sleep time, as they were that hyped up on a sugar rush - you'd think I'd of learned.
Well - I soon did, after last week.
We all sat down as a family, something we rarely did for a before bed snack, we watched a movie together, and had crackers, cheese, apples and grapes for supper, followed by a cup of milk.
The girls ate every single pick, and guess what? they slept absolutely fantastic that week!
No sugar rush at bedtime, they both went straight to bed, and straight to sleep, and both slept ALL NIGHT LONG!
I quickly realised, I had been causing them to be so restless at nights, by filling them with junk foods, when they could have been filling their tummies with thing like this, for much cheaper too, and far more filling than a bar of chocolate.
It was also nice to sit down and enjoy these foods with them for supper - as I would of usually tucked into a bag of crisps watching the soaps - instead I was enjoying something more satisfying and filling, and the kids (and the other half) could prep this with me.
These were two meals on the menu, that I swore I wasn't going to like nor enjoy. I won't lie, I didn't even want to make them as I didn't like the sound of them.
But I knew, I was then being fussy. I had to make them. This week was about trying new foods - foods that we usually wouldn't make or try, trying to venture our taste buds a little bit, and stop ourselves being a family that only ever cooked junk because we were that fussy.
So together David & I both prepped these meals -
Lentil Soup and Corn Beef Stew
We also let the girls help, by fetching us ingredients we needed etc.. So we were working together as a family, preparing our meals.
Even during cooking, I didn't like the look of either of the meals, and was still certain, I wasn't going to like it. I didn't show this to the girls though, as the first sign of me being weak, they would have picked at that, until I gave in, and ordered a takeaway.
But I served the meals out, and low and behold, they might not have sounded nice, but they definitely tasted amazing.. even David agreed, and he doesn't normally like soup or stews, but he enjoyed both, and has asked if we can make the corn beef stew again, and it definitely is something I will make and look forward to having again.
The girls also enjoyed both. Lexie-Anna especially loved the lentil soup and dipping her wholemeal roll into it.
As a family, I think we all have to agree, that our favourite meals of the week was most definitely, the Quesadilla's. We filled them with leftover chicken and mixed peppers, and served with baked beans. These are something I will definitely make again, the whole family enjoyed them, and they were very filling. Something I never would of thought of making either, and definitely satisfied the taste buds.
We also enjoyed a sweet and sour beef stir fry with vegetables and noodles.
My girls are noodle lovers, so this was an ultimate hit with them. David loves sweet and sour, so he enjoyed that, though wasn't too keen on the stir fry vegetables, and I enjoyed it all. It was something different, and although I do love stir frys, I usually only enjoy a gammon five spice stir fry.. so it was nice to change it up a little, and have beef and a different sauce.
The only meals during the entire week we weren't overly keen on was, the salmon pate, and I think it's more because, we don't usually like Salmon anyway, we did try it however but no, it wouldn't be something I'd rush to make again in future.
And the filled tortellini - we enjoyed the pasta sauce, and salad, although we weren't too keen on the filled tortellini. I would make this again, using the brand of pasta sauce, although would stick to ordinary pasta.
Participating in this feed your family - good food for less review, has really giving me a new perspective on the way I fed my family before, and has definitely made me realise, my children, my partner and even myself, are only fussy, because I was allowing us to me.
We weren't willing to try new foods before we took part in this, we just assumed certain foods, we didn't like, without even giving them a chance.
Taking part in this, has opened up our taste buds to other foods, and healthier options.
Before we took part in this, we were doing our weekly food shop and the trolley was being filled with things like - Frozen pizza's, frozen chips, burgers, pasties, breaded chicken and fish - mostly frozen, but unhealthy, and STILL we were having to run out to the shop, to pick other things up for dinner, because we couldn't think of a meal to put together with what we had bought in. We were also eating the same things each week, because we didn't want to try new foods OR we couldn't be bothered standing prepping a meal as I thought it would take up too much time that with two hyper kids, I didn't have, so it was easier to shove fish fingers and smiley faces into the oven for tea.
I am glad and very thankful I was asked to take part in this because it has definitely made me realise that we can eat healthier, and it won't take up too much time, we can eat healthier and it won't cost a fortune. We can use leftovers, and stop wasting so much food.
We can enjoy meals together at a cheaper cost, a healthier cost, and the kids can get involved in the preperation of things, which will and did encourage them to eat the foods/meals, they have helped prepare.
I would highly recommend this menu, to anyone wanting to try changing their families feeding habits, and cut the cost of their shopping. It was really opened my eyes, and I am definitely prepared to make the change now.
Tuesday, 7 March 2017
Welcome to this week's "My Sunday Photo" - I'm a tad late at posting this, as I haven't been online the last few days.
However, Sunday was my fiance's birthday, so it was already a pretty exciting day. We never get a chance to be just Stacie and David rather than Mummy and Daddy .. As much as we love being Mummy & Daddy, it is always a treat to let your hair down, and enjoying not playing parents for a few hours.. My mum is so hands on with our girls, and does take them for sleepovers regularly, but normally David & I tend to just catch up on some much needed sleep, or some much needed housework, we never actually do anything enjoyable together.
So, on Sunday, my parents watched the girls for us, and we took ourselves of into town for a few hours. We attended a wedding fayre, then went for a meal and had a few drinks, then headed shopping. It was lovely to get those few hours peace and quite, and to just enjoy each others company for a change. It was a long time coming, so it was much appreciated.
Saturday, 4 March 2017
This is the first month I've taken part in this link up.. and actually, I'm a few days late with it.
But while I was reading up about it, I thought, Wow, this is such a lovely idea, and couldn't be more true, especially where my family is concerned.
I'm always snapping pictures. I'll snap photo's of the girls together, a photo of each child, a photo of what we're doing, a photo of David, a selfie of myself, or even photo's of one of us, with the kids.. but it is very rare, that I will get many photo's of - Us all together, as a family unit.. which is what I would like to have more off, hence the reason, I have decided, this link will be a good way for me to be able to do that, whilst sharing those special moments on my blog also.
During February, we had a lot going on. It was the shortest month of the year, and everything felt as though it was just cramming in.
Lacey-Beth had a week off school for half term, not to mention her very first valentine's disco in school, before they went on a break, and all she could talk about was giving her crush, a valentines card.. Why do children have to grow up so fast? She's only five and already talking about boys.. During half term, as a family, we done some arts and crafts, and went to the play park.. we actually didn't do very much else exciting, even though we had lots planned.
We also went to my brothers 25th birthday "party" - it was a small, celebration. Just us, my parents and of course my brother.. We ate food, had cake, and then we egged my brother, which was hilarious - however Lacey-Beth didn't seem to see the funny side.
Yeah.. February was a pretty good month for us. Long may it continue throughout 2017.
This is us, Family Game Night - We played the Cinderella Glass Slipper game, which was Lacey-Beth's choice.
This was our first year taking part in World Book Day - as Lacey-Beth has only started Primary School this year, and Nursery School, last year, didn't take part in World Book Day.
So, we were excited to get stuck into prepping the perfect outfit - well, at least I was, the only thing Lacey-Beth was excited about, was actually getting to wear a costume to school.
She chose to go dressed as Alice in Wonderland. So we ordered her an Alice Outfit from eBay, which wasn't overly expensive - it only cost me £7.99 and that was delivery included.
When it arrived, it looked a little too 'plain' though - I wanted to add a few touches to it.
So with the help of my very creative mum, we got stuck into, prepping her, some props to sew onto her costume, and to take with her.
Out of card, we cut out the White Rabbits stop watch, and a key shape to make the Golden Key.. We then printed out onto photo paper, the mad hatters hat, and two playing cards - one with the Queen of Hearts, and the other with Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee on them.
We then used Gold Glitter paper to decorate the key, and made a cupcake, using a bun case, pink and red tissue paper, and just glued them down.
We got a tin flask (from poundland) and cut out a label, writing 'drink me' on it - For her to use as a prop - and done the same label saying 'eat me' for the cupcake.
We then sewed everything onto the costume - apart from the clock, which we tied some gold string too, and she wore it as a necklace - for everything, altogether it cost me £8.99 - as most of the things used, we had in our craft box already.
She looked the part, but most of all, she had a fantastic time, and enjoyed every moment of World Book Day.