Thursday, 31 January 2019

Mum guilt is a real thing, it does exist, and for many, if not all Mum's, we are affected by it, daily. 
Well, I know I am. Every single day!

My Husband, bless his heart, offered to buy me a brand spanking new hoover - the fecking joy I felt at the thoughts - a new top of the range, cordless job - no more breaking my damn back lobbing the monstrosity shit mobile we currently own up and down the stairs. So, online I popped, as you do, to pick out my new best mate to be, only to see the prices of something that sucks up fecking dirt, and BAM, like a brick being threw at my head, I was wacked with that sinking guilt feeling. 

"oh no" I thought - "I couldn't possibly spend that much on a hoover for myself, the kids could use that money for something else" 
Now, I know, they don't need anything, because I've them fully stocked up on clothes for the next year, infact Lexie-Anna is fully stocked up on clothes for the next decade considering Lacey-Beth's hand me downs will go to her, but that didn't stop me rhyming off a list of things they really might need soon. Because I couldn't justify spending that kinda money, on me! 

In my life, since gaining that title "Mummy" - I've just always put myself, last. I think most of us do, it's kind of a given, isn't it?

The kids
The house
A million other things I can think of
Then me. 

I don't know why I do it. I just do. And i'm just used to that being the way things are for me. It's my routine I guess. Now David, my husband, will argue with me to spend a little money on myself, to treat me for a change, I always find a way to object, or just won't do it.

I feel guilt if I do just treat me and start questioning myself. And why? Because I have NO REASONS to, but I start to think things like - I have these two girls, who come before my selfish needs. 

ButI wasn't always like this - Heck no! 
I remember the pre-parent me. 
ALWAYS had her face caked in make-up. I wouldn't have dared cross over the door without my make-up done. I spent a fortune on make-up on a monthly basis. I remember a time where I wouldn't have dreamed of shopping in Primark, let alone even so much as carry a bag from Primark. It had to be the more "expensive" shops, or it wasn't good enough, because that's where all my friends shopped. 
I had the latest and most up to date phone or gadget there was. 

Now, the parent me, runs about in leggings, infact I own at least ten pairs of the same leggings, from, low and behold - Primark. £4.00 and you can't go wrong, they're comfy and ideal when you spend the day running around after two kids and maintaining a home. I have zero time to be maintaining myself. 

I spend £16.00 per month on myself, that is for my contract phone. and the only reason I do have a contract, is incase I need to ring the doctor for any of the kids, at least I know i'll always have the credit, because I never kept my pay as you go, topped up, due to that little mum guilt again. 

That same contract phone was due for a renewal in December, and I still haven't upgraded due to that Mum Guilt again - because damn it exists. 

I spend nothing else on myself - my winter coat is that old, it has lost a few stitches. I never have time to make myself look presentable because firstly the kids have to look immaculate before me and secondly the house needs to be cleaned before me. By the time those things are done I haven't time to do myself, so I run a hairbrush through my hair, shove it up a "mum bun" and get myself out the door. No makeup routine or straighteners in this household anymore, even though I would love to get back to 'finding' the time to at least run my wasted GHD's through this raggity bap, but then I feel guilty for not doing "other more important things in the daily life of a mum"  

I live my life in over sized hoodies and leggings because comfort over style and all that shiz. I haven't the extra to spend on other things because I always find excuses or something ALWAYS crops up. 

Lexie-Anna needs new trainers 
Lacey-Beth needs a new dance costume
Dance bills are due
Theres another competition around the corner 
Lacey-Beth has had another growth spurt and needs new trousers
Lexie-Anna wants to join an after school club
One of them has been invited to a birthday party 
They want a friend over for a sleepover 
The internet bill is due 
Ooops we forgot to pay T.V licence again, look at that massive bill. 
Shit - its world book day next week - two costumes needed, PROMPT. 
Valentines Disco at school? Eugh, new dresses needed because God forbid you send them in something they've already wore to a disco before - it would be a fashion crisis!!!!!

The list is endless - there is ALWAYS an excuse that I manage to pull out of the bag. 
And to be honest, when you have kids, handing out money is never ending, especially to school, who always want for something. So when these things to crop up, and I can't treat myself to that lovely top I spied, or the book I really wanted, and I do feel a bit pissed off because of that, then I start to feel guilty and think - meh, this is the life I chose - I wanted kids, so I shouldn't get that top.  

But why?

Why shouldn't I? Why should I feel guilty about treating myself to a £5.50 t-shirt in Primark? 
Why should ANY of us, just because we are mothers, feel guilty for spending an hour out of nights to pop a face mask on and relax in a bubble bath? 
Why should we as mothers feel guilty for devouring that Galaxy bar we had secretly stashed away because we didn't want to share it? 
Why should we as mothers feel guilty because we said NO to the LOL doll the kids wanted and used the money on a new Yankee Candle instead? 

Moral of the story - STOP FEELING GUILTY!
Mum guilt exists - but you were your own person before being a mum, and the pre-parent you, still needs to feel loved, spoiled and cared for. So buy the top, book the spa day - treat YOU! Because you fucking well deserve it!