Previously I made a post about my mental health story, if you haven't read it yet, you can do so here
My eyes, are dead. I am not myself at all. I had no life about me. Friends asked me to do anything, I agreed, but inside, didn't want to do it, or i'd try and find some kind of excuse to get out of it.
I didn't want to do anything. I was stuck in a rut, stuck in my own wee bubble.
Anyway, i'm not here to talk about that path - because fast forward two years later, and here I am.
I have just finished a seven week course in Confidence Building and Life Coaching with an incredible local lady.
This lady has done more for me, in seven short weeks, than any councillor or doctor done in twelve years, and she barely knows just how much she helped me, save me!
I will be honest, when I first started this course, I was oblivious. Pfft I thought, it'll never help me. I've been down the same pathways for the last twelve years, and still end up in the same rut, feeling like the world is on top of me, feeling wacked with this endless guilt, not wanting to do anything, stopping myself from being my true self, but hell was I proved wrong.
Here I am now.
On the right - and by God, I feel a lot better! The smile, is a true smile, not fake.
My eyes are lit up. I feel back to - my true self.
Granted, it's a filter pic - but I have an excuse for that - I literally did look like shit that day - and no, not because I felt shit, as in down but because I was bunged with a cold - and couldn't be assed putting makeup on, for me to be wiping it all away under my nose, so we went for the bare-faced look, hence the filter to hide my snotty-ish red nosed reindeer look.
This lady helped me build my self-esteem back up, my confidence, she helped bring me back out of myself and for that I am forever grateful.
When I was a teenager, I was a mouthy little cow, anyone who knew me, will tell you that. After losing my Uncle, and the grief of his death set in, that's when I started to shut myself away, and keep myself to myself - a couple of years later, following a miscarriage, things escalated then.
Add on PND when my first born came along, and me not seeking help after my local mental health team failed me, I let things escalate until they got so bad that I was in and out of hospital like a yo-yo. I stopped doing things for myself anymore, relying on my mum or husband to make phone calls on my behalf, accompany me to meetings, or anywhere else I had to go. I even feared being in my own home alone. I couldn't go to the shop alone - I couldn't even go to the girls school to pick them up or drop them off alone. I was a prisoner in my own body, and only I could help me escape.
And that is exactly what I have done. Debbie helped me realise that I am safe, all is well
Everyday is a new day, everyday is a beautiful day, and everyday I can find at least one thing I like about myself, everyday I can find at least one thing I am grateful for.
And after seven weeks of hard work trying to get myself to this point, I now know that yes I AM SAFE, ALL IS WELL.
I am back to being me. I am back to being that mouthy teenager again - I'm not afraid to express myself. I'm not afraid to stand up for what I believe in.
I can now travel to the girls school to pick them up or drop them off, alone.
I can now stay at home everyday alone, while the kids and hubby are out at school or work.
I can now make phone calls without relying on others.
I can walk in the dark, without being afraid.
I haven't had palpitations in a few weeks - something which became an everyday occurrence.
Now don't get me wrong - My depression and anxiety and panic attacks, they haven't magically gone away. Of course they haven't .
They are still there - but it's ok to have a down day, it's ok to have a sad day, it's ok to feel nervous.
It doesn't mean I'm falling back into that pattern, these kind of days happen to even the happiest of people. They are normal.
But now? I am in control
I no longer let depression, anxiety and panic attacks control me or my life, and I vow to never let them get the better of me again. I have taken back my life, and won't hand it over again without a fight.